So You've Raised A Zombie
by Irreleva Wu
Life in Beijing can be pretty stressful, so it's no wonder that so many of us have decided to sneer at the boundary between life and death and use the dark arts of necromancy to create zombies.
However, existence in the Northern Capital poses its own unique set of problems and opportunities for the undead and their masters, so here's gou-rou.com's handy guide on how to get the best out of your shambling reanimated corpse.
Above: Vince, the gou-rou.com advertising manager from beyond the grave.
1) Remember to take proper care of your zombie, including feeding and cleaning it regularly. Human brains can be hard to find in plentiful and willing supply, so try persuading your zombie to appreciate the brains of dogs, chickens and some molluscs (if molluscs have brains - you may want to check this). Cleaning is a relatively simple affair - simply tell your zombie "I command you to shower!!!" and things will take care of themselves.
2) Make sure you always give the zombie specific instructions. Simply telling it to "tidy the flat" while you are out is no good - the zombie will not be able to tell what you mean by tidy, as it has few human experiences. Like a page of an encyclopaedia tacked to the wall rather than being properly mounted, it has no frame of reference. Instead, give discrete tasks, such as "Go forth and remove the limescale from my kettle! Thou shalt obey!!!"
3) There may be occasions where you need to leave your zombie unattended in public. The danger here is that the zombie may go on a food-lusting brain rampage, attacking people in the vicinity in search of their succulent cerebral matter. Your safest bet is to leave the zombie somewhere where its favoured food is in short supply, such as Centro.
4) Give your zombie a change of pace by treating it to a night out occasionally. Ideal spots include Brown's, Midnight Cocktail Lounge and pretty much anywhere on the main drag of Sanlitun.
5) Beijing offers many job opportunities for you to generate a useful second income from your zombie. Try getting it employed as a ticket inspector, a park warden or a CCTV producer, for example. The first of these would be trickiest, of course, as you would have to teach it to rip tickets in half.
6) Do not allow any zombie to watch the movie Land of the Dead. It will only give them ideas, and they will probably be disappointed by it, as they really enjoyed Romero's previous films.
And just one final reminder - under no circumstances attempt to turn yourself into a zombie. Everyone who has tried has found themselves unable to progress past the initial "being dead" phase of the process.