by Irreleva Wu

Dan Lumo, self-proclaimed granddaughter of China's last emperor, who recently posed for FHM magazine in Hong Kong, is to be placed under 24 hour protection by the Chinese government, amid fears that the Japanese are planning to kidnap her, and install her as a puppet empress of "Chugoku"(Zhongguo¹).

Superintendent Meng Xiangren, commenting over the telephone from his new camper van outside Miss Dan's apartment, stated that he and his team would do "whatever necessary" to prevent a new dynasty being imposed on China. Meng's team have been put under the surveillance of a second team, to ensure that they themselves do not try to install Dan Lumo as puppet empress of their own dynasty. Recruitment has recently begun to fill places on a third team, whose duty it will be to keep watch on the other two teams and prevent them from colluding in any attempt to persuade Dan Lumo into marching on Beijing and establishing a new Imperial line.

A new bureau will be set up by the end of the World Cup which will monitor those responsible for running these teams...(enough! - Arabella.)

Extra reporting from the fingers of Partwick Loosejack.

A Ministry of Information commissioned study into the effects of the sandstorms is soon to be concluded. Insiders and those close to the investigation hinted Thursday that the study will probably find that the effects of the sand/dust are beneficial to the health, and therefore that there is no reason to question how anyone in charge of anything allowed years of reckless deforestation and poor water management to result in anything bad ever.

Many members of the team were chosen after the sterling work they did on the "MSG" investigation, and others still were selected due to their perseverance in proving beyond reasonable doubt that chopsticks make people, especially people from countries that use them a lot, such as China, more intelligent than Americans.

1: China.