Beijing concerned about possible time travel in HK

A leaked report, snaffled by gou-rou.com's reporter while at an Agriculture Ministry "Buddhist abbots and tarts" fancy dress party, reveals unusual concerns arising from the recent visit to Hong Kong of Wu Bangguo, chairman of the Standing Committee of the National People's Congress.

The report outlines how, during his brief time touring photo opportunities and gladhanding people with unusual consonants at the end of their surnames, Wu began to suspect that large groups of Hong Kongers may have the capacity to travel through time.

"I first became aware of the possibility," says Wu's report, "when I noticed at least several young men in Hong Kong who appeared to have obtained their hairstyles and clothing by travelling back to 1972 and mugging Roger Daltrey."

Wu's suspicions were further aroused during conversations with Hong Kongers. They blamed antisocial behaviour in their city on 'being very busy' and 'traditional Chinese culture'. However, says Wu, if they are so busy, how come the shops are so full during the working week? Clearly, a large number of Hong Kong residents are working during the week, then using time machines at the weekend to travel back to the days while they were in the office, in order to get more shopping done.

As to the claim that antisocial behaviour might be a product of traditional Chinese culture, Wu says, "they may be experiencing traditional culture directly by travelling back in time to past centuries - probably 1644 or earlier, as I am not sure the Qing would count".

The report concludes on a concerned note. "We let them have their own flag, and we put up big red banners on National Day - since thanks to this Hongkongers are now perfectly happy to be part of China, why haven't they shared the technology with Beijing?"

Analysts who have been watching Prehistoric Park suggest the leak may be deliberate, and that Beijing may already have time portal technology. "Their adherence to outdated 1980s trickle-down voodoo economics seems to indicate their fiscal policies were captured in the wild and then transported to the modern day," said banker Stanley Chen, who asked not to be named.

Local student mortified by ignorant relatives

Embarrassment and awkwardness struck late last month here in Beijing as 21 year old Wang Ruiming, known to his friends and family as Xiao Wang, prepared for his journey to the United Kingdom to study. Wang described the reaction of those closest to him as "staggeringly ill-informed and simple-minded".

"Going to Europe, eh?" said one uncle at a family gathering. "Hope you like bread!" Xiao Wang is said to have chuckled evasively in reply. He later escalated to nervous laughter and eyeing of possible exits from the room when, at dinner, his paternal grandfather shouted "Don't stay too long, you'll end up all big-nosed!"

Xiao Wang has no idea "where people get this stuff", he confided to our correspondent. "One of my mother's friends said my brother should learn French and then we could 'communicate over the sea', because she'd heard French and English use the same writing. I mean, would she say that about Chinese and Japanese?" Wang stated that while he would have preferred to set the woman right on the subject, he instead chose to say "ha ha, yes, that's a good idea". Later on, Wang's second cousin mocked his field of study by going "ba ba manaman barbar", which "were supposed to be humorous 'English' noises".

Said Wang, "I bet foreigners don't have to put up with this before they come to China."