With the Olympic happening in Beijing, what better time to throw a Beijing Olympics party at your home? Here are a few handy tips to make your evening go smoothly and with no disruptions from splittist elements!

Food & drink

Olympic onion rings

This makes a great finger-food for people to snack on with their cocktails and Chivas Regal spritzers. Buy or prepare onion rings as usual (there's a good recipe here). For the requisite Olympic touch, spray paint the rings in the Olympic colours. Ordinary spray paint will do, of the kind you might use to cover scratches on a car or to write swearwords on a wall next to a railway station. Sure, it's not that healthy but it's only as bad as breathing Beijing air, and we all know that's basically fine--unless you're Haile Gebrselassie. If Haile Gebrselassie comes to your party, advise him to steer clear of the onion rings.

Gingerbread Fuwa

Basically just ordinary gingerbread people (try this recipe) but decked out in the colours of the mascots formerly known as the Five Friendlies. However, to recreate the heady days of a couple of years ago, why not try this fun mascot-choosing game? As the host, you play the role of BOCOG and China Mobile. Announce to the guests that you have five different kinds of mascot-snacks available. Get each guest to vote for the colour they like best, charging them one yuan for the privilege. Then, once you've collected all the money and votes, bring out all the gingerbread fuwa mixed together. Announce that you've decided to use all five designs after all and refuse to return any of the money. Pretend not to understand any accusations of wrongdoing.

Playing the host

As host, it's up to you to make sure things have an appropriately Beijing Olympics feel. Invite as many people as possible to your house. However, keep your door on the chain, and when people arrive, first attempt to deny them entry, then grudgingly allow them to come in one at a time. Only open the door just wide enough for them to squeeze in.

Once the party's in full swing, mingle with your guests and bring a lively 2008 Olympics feel to the conversation! Do this by loudly and obnoxiously changing the subject to how amazing and successful China is if any other country is mentioned. Also, if anyone says anything about you, your house or the party that could be misconstrued in even a slightly unflattering light, immediately become vocally sulky and resentful.