Olympic Threat Watch
by Henrietta Wang (with research from Thinkpad Zhang)
Hello gou-rou readers. As you may be aware, the Olympics are probably under serious threat of terrorism. Possible culprits include "foreign Tibetan elements led by the genius mastermind Dalai Lama XIV, Xinjiang separatists who are really part of Al Qaeda and thus not at all really separatists apart from in the Chinese language, foreign terrorist groups (including the sinister "Journalistes sans frontieres" and shadowy "Amnesty International") aimed at destabilizing the Chinese government by damaging its image through Olympic protests, and probably some others if you need more."
Above: RSF planning some kind of weird bondage protest.
As in lots of developed modern countries like China where terrorism is a problem, China has a colour-coded system of alert levels to inform citizens of their impending doom at the hands of various evil terrorists. For those of you unable to read the Chinese government website, here is a detailed breakdown of the alert system. As you can see, the threats are very serious!
Terrorist Warning Color Code system
Gaudy Gold Decorations (like in olden time Chinese Palaces in certain director's imaginations.)
High state of alert. Tibetans or other ethnic minorities are planning suicide attacks such as those that happen to other countries. Citizens should be vigilant and accept without question any seemingly unneccessary police action against anyone at all. Police will be making sure that any banners are genuine Olympic support banners, and not any other slogans that could be used to signal Al Qaeda and the Dalai Lama that it is time to attack.
An abundance of Red
Very high and nervous state of alert. Possibility that huge numbers will be killed by the sinister Journalistes Sans Frontieres. Almost certainty of imminent attack by the Dalai Lama himself, seriously people, we've got photos of him stuffing exploisives into that big red sheet thing he wears - why do you think it's so loose and baggy? Run. Just run! Police will be checking everyone's email to make sure they love China and its government's policies, unlike Al Qaeda in Iraq.
Beijing Sky Grey
Specific threats against Olympic venues are believed to be imminent. The baseball diamond is under particular threat. Police will be checking the slogans on everyone's T-Shirts to make sure they are not affiliated with Al Qaeda. Police have uncovered strong evidence that the phrase "Free Tibet" could in fact be a terrorist signal for suicide monks to kill thousands of people, including foreigners. Anyone seen thinking it will be imprisoned without trial and possibly never let out.
That kind of orange, green, brown colour on Chinese polo shirts in department stores
If you are not already dead, then you will be soon. The Dalai Lama, with help from the CIA and Al Qaeda, has smuggled a device into Beijing and has been seen plugging it in to his hotel wall socket during a routine invasive surveillance camera operation in most hotel rooms. Buy bottled water - soon the tap water will be unsafe to drink. Also a lot of Beijing's food will lead to stomach problems...
Current Status : Beijing Sky Grey
Above: we don't know what this logo's about, but we don't trust it.